Dear Bunmi,
My wedding that took months to plan because I wanted a lavish one now looks like a sham! Almost as soon as we came back from our honeymoon, words started flittering in that my husband was a chronic womaniser. I didn’t get a whiff of it until a friend of one of his girlfriends asked what happened to my pregnancy? I wasn’t a friend of hers but she told me her friend, who was a long-term lover of my husband was devastated when she learnt I was pregnant and he had to marry me. All of this girl’s friends knew my husband, so did her family.
When I got home, I confronted him and he admitted he’d been having the affair for months but had ended it after we got married. He said he felt so bad about what he’d done and put his head in his hands, crying.
I don’t know what to think right now. I went back home to my parents for a short while, but that wasn’t really solving anything, so I’ve gone back to my own home. We both want to try and make the marriage work, but right now, I’m too angry to really commit to this. I feel so stupid having such a lavish wedding reception when it was a big lie – and my parents are heartbroken for me too. It’s horrible to see them so upset and helpless. I know he realises he’s made the worse mistake of his life and I do know he loves me, but I’m struggling to see how this can ever be mended.
Mercy,
by e-mail.
Dear Mercy,
You can’t expect this to be mended instantly, but it can be if it’s what you both want. It’s a crisis point in your relationship and, at the moment, things could go either way, so it’s crucial that you work through why the affair happened and the best way to do that is to have counselling. It’s understandable that you’re still very hurt and angry, and it’s going to take time for those feelings to recede and to rebuild trust. For that to happen, he has to be honest with you.
Don’t fool yourself into believing that now he’s told you and unburdened himself, you can just move on. You really can’t – you have to confront it and talk about it, and it’s going to take time and probably loads and loads of tears. In the process, you might decide to go your separate ways, but at least you will do that knowing you gave it everything and did as much as you could to save the situation. Finally, please don’t worry about the big wedding or your parents -when this kind of thing happens, people are kind and will try to support you. Good luck.
